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riotheclown: clowning (Default)
[personal profile] riotheclown
I do and I have an odd habit of saying things in a back-assed way. It is as if addressing a glove that is turned inside out I imagine turning the world inside out to accommodate it. So it is of paramount importance that I learn to edit.

Unfortunately I am doing most of my reading through audio books these days. Presently I am listening to "City on Fire" by Garth Risk Hallberg and it is AWESOME. It is set in 1970's New York and that was MY TIME in history, --as pathetic as that may be-- I feel at home there. (what is the deal with EM dashes really?)

Mostly I am enjoying the writing. He is a beautiful writer. Every sentence I want to swim in, dive in, gulp. Truly. And now I feel I need to see the words so I can discern the magic of them.

Ah words, you trap me everyday.

So that's all I have to say: I stammer when I write. I spent a year stammering as a child and had to go to speech therapy. What I learned was if they take you out during regular class time you will get beaten up at recess. So I fixed it because of my sheer determination to not be different. That's what the 1970's were, the struggle to be normal and the results of how impossible it was to be normal. The punk, post industrial posture, and it's darker preppy twin, the hyper vigilant, fake it till you make it, corporate minion was the result. All of this is delineated in his book wondrously.

I don't know what started my stammer or really what ended it but it ended.

I can learn to write better. I just have to find someone to threaten me with a beating if I don't. :(

Maybe I am just a &!@%

Jul. 13th, 2017 07:44 am
riotheclown: clowning (Default)
[personal profile] riotheclown
I repeat, maybe I am just a dick.

Maybe thinking that no one wants to hear my inconvenient truths because they are inconvenient is wrong. Maybe no one wants to hear what I have to say because I am a shit.

Maybe I am lonely not because its hard for me to be open and trust but because I think so little of other people that I don't try hard enough to get to know them.

Maybe I expect too damn much and appreciate too damn little.

Maybe I am not worth the trouble and everyone who never told me (as oppose to those who did) are REALLY REALLY NICE.

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